Many people assume that in a conflict there is a loser and a winner, or that they must compromise. However, what if a solution could also be found that meets the needs of both parties? Needs are not the same as strategies. For example: you would like to see a comedy film, because you need relaxation and fun. The person you are at the cinema with would rather watch a scary movie, because they need excitement and action. You may have had a difficult week and the other had a boring one. You could then go to a comedy action movie, which could be a strategy that could suit both of your needs. Or you can also do something completely different. Of course this situation is not really a conflict, but a situation in which you want to reach an agreement and just serves as a simple illustration of a few important principles.

There are four different ways to deal with conflict that are based on the ‘zero-sum’ model, where you lose or win, or both lose: avoid, accommodate, compete, compromise. You can clearly see the differences in this graph, where the vertical axis represents the degree of cooperation (cooperative) and the horizontal axis represents the degree of assertive behaviour. You are assertive when you stand up for your own needs. When you (also) consider the needs of others important, you are more focused on cooperation. You could characterize these responses as follows: Are you accommodating? Then it is 0-1 (zero for you, 1 for the other). Are you competitive and do you get what you want? 1-0. Do you avoid the conflict? That will be 0-0, because nothing can be solved. If you compromise, it is 1/2 -1/2. When you problem solve there is anther possibility, a 1-1, or ‘win-win solution’.

In addition to what kind of result you may get, it is also important to consider what the impact may be on the relationship you have with the person you are having the conflict with. That is why there is an extra vertical and horizontal axis in the picture: the more important the relationship, the more important it is to be cooperative, while if the relationship is not important, but the subject is, then you can also afford not to to be cooperative. Are both important? Then you prefer to invest in problem-solving behaviour, where you look for a solution together that works for both, the win-win solution.