Marshall B. Rosenberg (1934-2015) was an American psychologist who was involved in the Civil Rights movement in the 1960s, especially in desegregation (so that black and white people could attend the same schools) and in mediation between students and the university administration. His insight was that the underlying motivation for our actions is (trying to meet) our needs. This understanding led to the development of four steps for connecting with each other, in which everyone’s needs are communicated. He called his work Nonviolent Communication and wrote several books that are now used around the world.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication certifies trainers worldwide. Their website states:
“Through the practice of Nonviolent Communication we can learn to clarify what we observe, what emotions we feel, what values we want to live by, and what we ask ourselves and others. We no longer need to use the language of blame, judgment or domination. We can experience the deep pleasure of contributing to each other’s well-being.”

In the Nonviolent Communication process there are four steps, observation, feeling, need and request, which you can apply with the following opening words:

1. “When I . . . see/hear”
   Describe what actually happened, what you see or hear, without interpretation.
   e.g. “When I see clothes in different places in the room. . .”
2. “I feel . . .”
   Describe a feeling or sensation, rather than a thought or belief.
   e.g. “I feel irritated / stressed / frustrated”
3. “Because I need…/ ….would like”
   Explain the basis of your feeling, without blaming the other person.
   e.g. “Because I want to live in a neat house / I would like to share responsibility for taking care of our house.”
4. “Would you be willing to . . .”
   Describe specific actions you would like to take.
   e.g., “Would you be willing to pick up your clothes off the floor and put them in the closet before our friends come?”
   Tip: be as specific as possible and formulate yourself proactively (i.e make a proposal to do something, instead of not doing something).

Some examples of needs are: safety, peace, understanding, support, creativity, effectiveness. It is important to distinguish a need from a strategy. E.g. You may need independence, and a strategy for this may be to earn your own income, or it may be to make your own choices, form your own opinions, etc. So, income or money is not a need but a strategy to meet a need. Why do you want that money? You may need independence, or freedom of choice, what ever words feel more appropriate or suitable to you. Your conversation partner can also ask about your needs and feelings and help you get to the bottom of it.

When we have feelings that are uncomfortable, it is because a need we have has not been met. It can of course also be the case that we feel happy, pleasant, cheerful, amazed, surprised, grateful, etc. because a need has been met. Your feelings lead you to your needs, which in turn give you information to think about different strategies. Another thing to be mindful about is not to make accusations when describing your feelings. E.g. “I feel rejected, ignored, made fun of, cheated…” etc. These are all judgments and don’t really indicate what you are feeling right now. You may feel angry, sad, ashamed, irritated, anxious, stressed, etc.

You are responsible for meeting your own needs as best as possible. You can make a request to yourself or to someone else, and the other person is free to say yes or no. You don’t make demands, you just ask a question. When the other person sees the opportunity to contribute to your well-being, almost everyone will do so. If you hear a no to your request, it does not necessarily mean that they do not want to contribute to your well-being, but that the strategy you propose does not work for them, because they have a different need. So always look for a strategy that works to meet everyone’s needs. This is also called a ‘win-win solution’. (see also our page about nonviolent conflict navigation).

There are thousands of trainers in nonviolent communication world wide. Sometimes it is also called empathetic communication, or is given other names. So, take a look on the internet for the possibilities to follow a training or read more. Also useful are the Center for Nonviolent Communication‘s lists of feelings and needs, so you have more examples to help you expand your vocabulary.